Despite the pandemic, fire damage is reduced thanks to the new stove. Piercing damage has been cut way back since we got new knives. Bludgeoning damage disappeared once the kids quit driving so much except for getting hammered by the dog’s wagging tail. As you may have guessed, we got through the quarantine by playing D&D.
The Top Ten Things We Learned in 2020
10. Don’t mess with Grandma. Marjie’s mom sews costumes at Wilson’s Creek National Battlefield where she keeps Civil War re-enactors in line with some sharp one-liners as well as threats to leave their wool uniform pants unlined. One security staff member got a little huffy and handcuffed her to her ironing board then stepped out of the sewing house without knowing that Dad’s handcuff key has been on her key ring for thirty years since he died. When the guy came back in and said, “Are you ready to apologize?” she held up the handcuffs and sweetly said, “No!” He arrests people for a living, and this eighty-year-old lady not only slipped his cuffs, she cleared them off her ironing board. It’s driving him crazy.
9. History repeats itself. Twelve years after whacking her head, Marjie still massively struggles with names, even during D&D. She finally peeked at David’s character sheet when he left the room. Flash back to thirty-five years ago. Marjie’s second encounter with David was in a computer class and she drew a total blank. She finally stole a peek on the class list in the computer lab. On this D&D night, however, she was surrounded by children who knew the story, knew what she was looking for, instantly made the connection, and just started howling.
8. We never know what we sign up for. Emily’s shiny, new associate degree meant she qualified as a substitute teacher. She made it through all of the paperwork twice (pre- & post-COVID) and reported for her first job as an aide in kindergarten. Sub training was crystal clear that she was never to touch a child so when a 5-year-old grabbed the school phone to call 911 because the teacher wouldn’t let him call his mom during coloring time, what was she to do? Emily sat there repeatedly pressing the “clear” button until the teacher could settle the other twenty children and get there. This was only the first hour of the day. Emily now understands why Marjie prefers not to teach kindergarten.
7. The votes were rigged. With the pandemic making in-person school uncertain, Marjie decided to make her 2nd grade classroom the best ever. This included adding class pets. Besides, the well-loved guinea pigs Jack & Charlie, she now has betta fish and Madagascar hissing cockroaches. We held Zoom polls to name the pets. The betta fish, male and female, are Cookie and Cuddles. The female cockroach is Coco. Marjie’s student teacher, however, was in charge of lessons the day that the male cockroach got his name. Marjie has no proof, but she is sure that someone stuffed the ballot box. The cockroach’s name is Burnt Ham.
6. Millennials are too precious. The kids started talking about the cool, but dangerous things that David used to do when they were little. So David immediately started juggling apples while chopping them mid-air. One dropped knife landed a little too close to Anna. “Hey!” she reminded him as she waved her hands down her tall figure, “This is a limited edition. Never be another one made. Almost mint condition. Cannot be replaced.” Emily suggested adoption. “Nope,” Anna replied with confidence, “Also, the factory shut down.” Yes, yes, it did, thank heaven.
5. Don’t mess with Missouri. After her auditions at SUNY Fredonia, Anna visited a dorm. One resident said, “When I think about Missouri, I think of, like, swampland.” Anna was quick. “Only during monsoon season.” “Really?” “Yeah,” Anna continued, “it’s only for a couple of months.” Anna went on, “Then we have tornadoes. You know – nature’s blow dryers.” That poor girl believed every word.
4. Security guards have surprising characteristics. After an appalling experience in quarantine in New York, Anna’s freshman freedom day finally arrived. But true to form, the university didn’t notify anyone so she had to prop the exit open, let the alarm shrill and shift her own stuff. Security finally did show up after two hours but he was on the radio so she ignored the guy. Since he was masked, she didn’t realize that he had started talking to her until he shouted, “Hey! Stop!” Anna turned around to find a taser pointed at her. They did get it sorted and he promised to put her move into the system. Fifteen minutes later, she was stopped again. No taser this time, and no record of the first encounter. Anna tried to describe the first guy. “I don’t know. He was bald.” The new guard started laughing. “Half of our staff is bald. That’s no help.” Good thing that only COVID is contagious.
3. DARE is biblical. Now that the kids’ DARE (Drug and Alcohol Resistance Education) is finally wearing off, David and Marjie can open wine without being verbally assaulted. The kids even try a sip now and then, but generally despise it. Skylar’s test is simple. “Does it pass the ‘better than water’ test? If I’d be disappointed that Jesus turned my water into this, then no, it doesn’t.”
2. Don’t mess with a writer. Walmart Delivery substituted Goody’s Headache Powder for Skylar’s Excedrin Migraine. She was desperate enough to try it which resulted in the following product review.
The speed at which this product works is amazing. Half a second after taking it I went from a headache and no nausea to a headache and a desperate need to throw up.
Putting aside for a moment the awful taste, let’s talk about the sensory experience of taking this. Have you ever dumped a mouthful of fine, dry sand onto the back of your tongue and attempted to swallow? I checked the packaging and this is in fact how you are supposed to consume this product. Now imagine that the sand has the flavor of an unholy union between a being of pure acid and the last desiccated orange on a dying tree in the Sahara Desert.
For the first twenty or so minutes after taking this product, I did forget that I had a headache. This is because I spent it guzzling water, gargling, rinsing, spitting, shoving food down my throat, and anything else I could think of to get that taste out of my mouth. This was a fool’s errand; I fear that my children’s children’s children will be tasting artificial orange on the backs of their tongues for generations to come.
My dog will eat octopus, rotting ends of green beans, dirty pairs of underwear, dried up worms on the sidewalk and used and unused sanitary napkins without hesitation, but I truly believe that if we poured Goody’s Cool Orange Extra Strength Headache Powders into her bowl, she would not give it a second lick.
I hated every moment of the hour or so after taking this product. I had to go lie down to settle my stomach before I found out how appalling this stuff might taste coming back up.
It didn’t even have the decency to cure my headache in exchange for the digestive trauma.
I would not recommend this to anyone but my worst enemies.
1. Passwords are a mess. We are finally unloading the oft-flooded river house and David needed to email Marjie a copy of the sales contract. This got frustrating for the man with 17,000 emails. “I can’t remember my f#@%^ password!” Marjie tried to remain calm, “Why don’t you change your password to ‘f#@%^ password’ so you can remember it?” “I can’t” he spit out, “it won’t let me repeat a password.”We hope your holidays were happy, that no one messes with your grandma, and that the love of your family reduces your psychic damage during this crazy pandemic.
Love,
David, Marjie, Emily, Skylar, Anna & Bella Jack
One slacker mom and three daughters to prove it 